Learning with the OeBB and WESTbahn: How to Survive in Trains in Summer

Learning with the OeBB and WESTbahn: How to Survive in Trains in Summer

“Summertime and the living is easy”, sang Ella Fitzgerald. Generally, she’s right; but not for those of us who have to take the train. In summer, the lunacy of OeBB and WESTbahn passengers is taken to another level. The following six tips will make sure that you survive the living hell. 

 

First, take a folding chair with you. Between May and July, one thing is certain: there won’t be any free seats available in the second class of OeBB or WESTbahn trains. The sun draws people like moths to the flame, in particular a special kind of people: retirees. Having spent the winter knitting tons of pullovers or solving hundreds of crosswords, they now surge into streets and public places, heading into the wilderness! With one-day trips on their schedules, they invade public transportation. Whoever thinks that Austria isn’t fighting with a growing number of retired people, the trains are the place to put it right! Considering that they are no longer endangering other drivers on the streets, one may argue that this is a huge advantage. Actually, it isn’t. Feeling on top of the world, retirees take over the trains, leaving no free seats for us commuters. Why would we need seats? We are so used to sitting in the train during the winter term that we don’t mind standing for 50 minutes during the summer term! But to be fair, it’s not only retirees surging the trains: there are also school classes. After spending the winter in heated classrooms, they seize the opportunity and visit theatres, zoos and exhibitions. In order to be able to keep an eye on each pupil and to prevent the other passengers from getting annoyed due to the volume, their teachers reserve whole compartments. This could be a good thing: but neither OeBB nor WESTbahn provide additional wagons, instead packing us in like sardines. The best solution, I’ve discovered, is to take your own folding chair with you. Ignore the stares and stupid comments of the train conductors! It’s the free seat that matters!

Second, don’t drink before boarding. In summer, every OeBB toilet manages to flood; or it is out of order or doesn’t work at all. You could easily solve this problem by taking your own portable toilet with you, but this might result in a horrendously high bill at the orthopedist. In WESTbahn, the toilets actually work, but you have to face a different problem: retirees, armed with champagne glasses or beer bottles, block the way to the toilets. Despite numerous requests to step aside, they stand there stubborn as a mule. Probably, their hearing aid isn’t working properly; that would also explain why they scream when talking to each other.

 

Third, take earplugs and your MP3 player with you. You’ll need them when you sit in the same compartment as school classes and retirees. While there is only one type of school class – the noisy one - there are two types of retirees: Marias and Tonys. I already characterized Marias in my first post: they’re always on the phone and they’ve always got reception. Tonys, like Marias, are always on their phones; but they don’t have P1. They’re the ones screaming into their phones every five minutes: “Can you hear me? Hello?! No I can’t hear you! Hello?!“ And they’re the ones with the ringing phones. But that doesn’t stop them from screaming into them. Maybe somebody should tell them that yelling into your phone doesn’t change a thing! Or maybe I should try a Horst Evers. Horst Evers, a German comedian, states in one of his programs: “Back then, whenever I got bored in the train, I took my mobile phone, opened my duffel bag and put my head in it. When we passed through a black spot, I screamed: ‘Yes, yes! I can hear you! You were right, the bag really enhances the reception! I can perfectly hear you, although we don’t have any reception at all!’ At first, I felt stupid…. but after more and more passengers asked me if they could use the bag… or asked for the brand of it…. it got much more fun. I love the moment when they get out of the bag after a few minutes, their hair a mess and completely disappointed that it didn’t work with their phones.” Actually, I really think I should try that the next time I meet Maria or Tony on the train.

 

Fourth, take a fan with you. In summer, there are two different kinds of compartments: those with Sahara temperatures – plus the camel stench – and those which have been used for the transport of the polar bears to Schönbrunn Zoo. In which of these two you end up is a matter of luck. Hence: ALWAYS take a fan AND a blankie with you – because you really have to be prepared for every possible climate scenario. 

 

Fifth, if you do not own a folding chair, portable toilet, MP3 player, earplugs or a fan, there’s one thing that combines all the advantages and disadvantages of these four options: alcohol. Cheap alcohol. A lot of it. The worse the quality is the better. The more you drink the better. And the earlier you start drinking after the beginning of your trip the better. One beer is not enough, a six pack might be. There’s no need to take university books or your laptop with you if you don’t have any chance to survive the trip. First of all, alcohol lowers the revulsion you would normally feel at having to sit down on the floor of an OeBB or WESTbahn train. No longer afraid of contracting plague, typhus or cholera, you gladly sprawl on the floor under the influence. Second, you don’t have to drink on your own; Maria and Toy will gladly join you for a couple of drinks. Third, you don’t have to worry about loud school classes or retirees. The more alcohol you drink, the easier you cotton up to your fellow co-passengers. You could start a screaming contest with one of the school classes, you could join Maria or Tony in one of their telephone conversations or you could start your own pub in the train! And fourth, the alcohol changes your temperature perception and you don’t need the fan or the blanket anymore.

Last, there is option six: don’t take the train at all if you don’t have to! It’s cheap, relaxing and you don’t have to worry about your health. Stay right where you are and soak up some sunshine.  You don’t need to travel from one place to another to hang loose! In summer, the best place to spend your holidays is at your own home -   ensconced in a deckchair, a book in your right hand, a cocktail in your left hand and your feet in the wading pool. That’s the perfect place to be and not a train, where you automatically become part of travelling circus!
  

Credits:
Photo 1: Jeremy Brooks || http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeremybrooks/3000965120/ || published under a Creative Commons license   
Photo 2: Bastian Greshake || http://www.flickr.com/photos/gedankenstuecke/516508043/ || published under a Creative Commons license  
Photo 3: wmbreedveld || http://www.flickr.com/photos/wmbreedveld/2189562376/ || published under a Creative Commons license
Photo 4: Guim Bonaventura i Bou || http://www.flickr.com/photos/gbib/4732237953/ || published under a Creative Commons license 
Photo 5: Cambridge Brewing Co || http://www.flickr.com/photos/cambridgebrewingcompany/5619040409/ || published under a Creative Commons license