Jesus...I'm really sorry.

Don’t get me wrong, I love God and His prophets as much as the next guy- and you’d think the dozens of churches around Salzburg would cover the whole “eternal damnation is your final destination” subject, but apparently not.  Is a lifelike Jesus-on-a-cross on every corner really necessary? Maybe Austrians are religious freaks, maybe I’m too quick to judge, maybe I’m exaggerating —What do I know, I grew up with a Starbucks on every other corner.

About a week before my friend, John (his name has been changed to spare his pride), had to return to England we threw him a huge going away party. This party started out just like many others: the Americans, Brits, and Irish getting together to do nothing but drink like the Irish, annoy like the British, and scream like the Americans. No German (the language, not the people).

After a copious amount of drinking, more than I care to admit, John’s drunken stupor led us to Reyna’s joint. I cannot recall what he ordered; all I know is that the greasy smell led me to a stairway down the cobbled street.  When he came over to join me on the stairway, making his way through his 3am snack, he looked up and mentioned the figure above us:

“D’you think Jesus drank?”

“Probably not in the way we do.”

It’s one of those instances where you see everything you don’t want to. Had your heart broken recently? Wow—happy couples everywhere. Worried that you are pregnant? Where the hell are all these babies coming from? Think you are being paranoid about Jesus? I am so going to hell for this. One of those instances that can definitely be chalked up to incoherent intoxication, but some of these thoughts linger. Suddenly John’s snack came up as quickly as he scarfed it down.

“Jesus… I’m really sorry.”

Then and there, I wasn’t sure if he was actually talking to me or the Son of God. A thought struck me: Have the Austrians got it all right? I mean, here is my best friend puking his guts out and asking Jesus for forgiveness. But had he not drunk himself silly we wouldn’t have been sitting there at 3am.

 Maybe it has a subconscious effect on Austrian people our age, but Jesus is a scary, influential dude. If I grew up with cross always in sight, perhaps I’d be more disciplined, perhaps I’d be a better drinker, perhaps I’d have more faith. But I didn’t. I grew up with the Starbucks experience.

Signed, Caffeinated Atheist.